


Unrequited Feelings

by marbletexture



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-16 05:46:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8089843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marbletexture/pseuds/marbletexture
Summary: Unrequited feelings are the worst in the world and Kanata is only finally experiencing this. Will he fall into despair or will he struggle to overcome it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a three part fic!

He knew it was too good to be good, he knew it would’ve never worked out and yet, here he was, feeling the sinking feeling of near despair and anguish clutching at his heart, squeezing it until he felt like he couldn’t breathe. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt so damn much. Who knew such a simple thing could this much pain? This much hurt? How could something so good, that felt so good at first. So warm and fuzzy turn out to be this painful?

God, he couldn’t breathe-- no correction-- he could breathe but he felt like he didn’t want to, not right now at least. He just wanted to sleep, to make the anguish he was feeling go away. No matter how much he willed himself to just close his eyes and sleep, the ever dull ache in his chest was a constant waking reminder of what he was feeling, of what he could never obtain. 

“It hurts so bad…. It hurts… Make it stop!” He cried out to no one, alone in his thoughts, alone his room, alone to ponder on these feelings and alone to suffer with this heavy feeling resting on his chest. No one to comfort him, no one to tell him it’s okay to cry and let it all out.

Now that’s the funny thing, he couldn’t cry. It surprised himself, here he was, in emotional pain, an emotional wreck and yet he just couldn’t cry.

He felt empty and full all at once. Was that possible? Was it possible to feel nearly everything and nothing at the same time?

The beating of his heart pounding against his ribcage, resounding loudly in his ears. He could feel the pulsing beat everywhere in his body. Neck, chest, legs, arms, even his fingers. Everywhere, everywhere, he could feel it everywhere. 

Long ago, he had been told unrequited love was the most emotionally painful thing you can go through-- he didn’t believe it back then; however, now he certainly does. Here he was, curled up in his bed, wrapped and covered in the duvets, curtains closed to block any light from coming in.

From the very beginning, he knew it would’ve been futile to hold feelings for this person and yet they clung to the single thread of hope that maybe, just maybe they’ll return his feelings. 

Oh how wrong he was. Poor, poor soul, having to see the one he liked, the one he admired loving someone else. He wanted to support them, he wanted to see them happy and yet, yet he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He was selfish, he clung to the hope that they’d break up after a day and the one he liked would come to him, would spill their feelings and they would start dating. Ah, such a wistful dream that is. What a blissful dream it would’ve been really. 

His smile, his laugh, his voice. His eyes, his lips, just everything about him was perfect-- in his eyes at least.

The way he laughed so cheerfully and carefree, the way his voice caught the attention of everyone around him, the way his smile lit up the room. Eyes that shined so bright, it could rival a star’s shine. It was the simple things really that had him fallen in love before he knew it.

Even the quirks he noticed he found endearing, he grew to adore each quirk that the other possessed. 

Just the thought of him sent a shuddering breath racking his body, pulling the sheets closer to him as an attempt to block out the pain he was feeling. 

It was as if someone had just pierced his heart with something bigger than a spear, something more painful than any physical weapon. Instead of a cupid arrow to the heart at first, it twisted into something far more darker, more unpleasant and bitter.

It felt like it was drowning him, the way it buzzed and droned in his ears, accompanied by the loud beating of his pulsing heart which ached with each beat. Grief consuming him and a choked sob bubbling past his lips, ignoring the way his phone buzzed wildly on the nightstand of his bed. 

The phone went silent but once again became active, signalling someone was trying to call him, most presumably to talk to him.

The boy didn’t feel like talking, he didn’t have the energy to even try to reach out of his covers to grab his phone. Chartreuse orbs watered with tears, pooling there and the moment he blinked, he felt the hot tears slide down his flushed cheeks, soft sniffles emitting from him.

Water, ah yes, water. The one thing he loved the most and yet, tears were water, but it just didn’t feel…. right. He loved the way it felt cool against his skin, but tears-- tears were hot and searing, leaving sticky streaks that itched at his cheeks. 

This water just didn’t feel right to him. It felt weird, odd, it didn’t feel comfortable. No, he hated it. He wiped away the tears that just kept rolling down his flushed cheeks, staining his pillow beneath his head.

“It hurts….. It hurts… Why does it ‘hurt’? Please… Tell me why it ‘hurts’....” the boy murmured, curling even further into himself as he presses his fingers to his face to wipe away the onslaught of tears that roll down his cheeks, wetting his face, breathing erratic and the sobs shuddering his body every couple of seconds.

“Kaoru…. Why does it ‘hurt’?”


	2. Troubles with Feelings

The pain lingered and throbbed, consuming his entire being and nearly his entire existence. He stopped coming to school, staying home on the comfort of his own bed and only getting up to bathe, eat, use the bathroom and change clothes. His phone battery had died a long time ago, leaving the device nothing more than some useless tool that would only be turned on again when it was plugged in to charge. It's been a week since the incident.

A week of not showing up to school and within that week, many people had texted and called Kanata but after a couple of days, his phone had simply died. He just didn't have the energy to answer them, much less pick up the phone or send a text to tell them he was okay. The fact that he didn't care about not attending school and skipping practice and club duties had struck him hard. He wasn't caring about his responsibilities right now. That all the more set him off into a sobbing mess, realizing just how much this was causing him so much pain to the point that he stopped caring about his school duties, stopped wanting to soak in the fountain.

Hell, he didn't even bother soaking in the tub for more than an hour anymore. The longest he had stayed in the tub to soak was a mere ten minutes and that was shocking even to him. Water, he loved water and yet…. Yet here he was avoiding the one other thing he loved. Water, the only place he could be in and think things through clearly and yet, it felt nearly toxic to him now, it didn't sit right with him sitting in water anymore.

It scared him to think that he couldn't soak in water, scared him that he didn't want to soak in there for hours on end. It scared the absolute hell out of him.

With his parents away on a business trip, he couldn't help but think of all of the possibilities he could do while they were gone. They didn't need to know he was skipping school, they didn't need to know what was happening at all. He hoped to keep it that way too.

Kanata was thankful no one knew where he actually lived, the mysterious part of him of not telling anything of his family status or wealth came in handy for once and now no one would be able to come visit him and see just how much of a wreck Kanata truly was. He didn't want Kaoru to see especially, since technically Kaoru was the heart cause of all this. He couldn't tell his teammates and friends he was skipping school and practice because of a heartache and broken heart before he could even confess. What would they say to that anyways? 

The point was to not let anyone know what he was feeling after all, it’d just be too troublesome, on Kanata’s part after all. He didn’t want anyone questioning who he liked and why it caused him so much pain. The pain of loving his first love before he could even confess, the pain of not being able to enjoy soaking in water or much less wanting to be in water. This entire week the total time he’s been in the water is less than an hour and usually he soaks for nearly twenty hours a week if he isn’t stopped from soaking for too long.

So how did such a thing as heartbreak change Shinkai Kanata so much? Was it because he deeply cared and loved Kaoru? The answer was: yes. 

The thought of Kaoru loving another always sent jolts of pain through his heart, as if lightning was striking him with every waking moment of this thought, slowly poisoning his veins in his body, killing him slowly from the inside out.

Jealousy and envy bubbled in his throat at the mere thought of those girls Kaoru was dating and flirting with before it turned to immense pain when he realized he would never get Kaoru to look at him with such loving eyes or have those flirtatious lines thrown his way. 

Why was love so difficult? So hard to understand? Why did it have to hurt so much in the end?

Kanata’s head was swimming with all these thoughts that he soon became dizzy and overwhelmed, fingers draping over his tear stained cheeks, puffy eyes and sore nose from all of the crying he had done this past week. He wished that his bed would open up and swallow him whole or even that when he’d step inside the tub for a bath, he’d dissolve into the water and become one with it, making his way to the ocean and not have to worry about the problems that plagued his mind.

Sometimes he wanted to sink, let himself walk into the ocean and allow himself to sink to the bottom of the ocean floor, having the life slowly sucked out of you while being surrounded by something you love, ironic how both things he loved, they both end up hurting him. One is physically dangerous and could potentially kill him while the other being emotional, just as dangerous plaguing his mind with the unwanted thoughts of everything he couldn’t possibly obtain just by working hard for it. 

“How much ‘longer’ will I ‘hurt’ because of this? I ‘want’ it to go ‘away’, to have it ‘disappear’ so I don’t have to ‘think’ like this anymore. Please, make it ‘disappear’, I ‘beg’ of you….” And as always, his pleas of help was ignored and unheard, raking his fingers through cyan colored hair as broken sobs bubbled past his lips. 

“I don’t want to ‘think’ about this anymore…. Make it ‘stop’.... Make it ‘stop’....” He pleaded and pleaded, voice ever so soft, barely above a whisper that could have been carried off into the wind if he had been standing outside.

A few more days have passed, it’s been ten days since Kanata has attended school, his habits of eating growing less and less by the day to the point where he’s only eating once a day and laying in bed for most of it. Only getting up to use the bathroom. He hasn’t even bathed, he’s only showering now, quick enough showers to make get him clean. It still unnerved him how water used to be so comforting to him but now it was like his enemy at the moment, threatening to harm him with one wrong move. A constant reminder that his tears feel the same way on his skin as the water slid over his skin and it scared him so.

What could he do to make the pain stop? Confess to Kaoru? And for what, be rejected before he even heard the answer? Kanata would rather suffer in silent pain and keep it all bottled in than confess his love for someone he knew could-- no, would-- never love him back and that itself was a painful strike to his already aching heart.

He had once read that if the pain was so strong in a heartbreak, someone could actually die of having a broken heart. And here was Kanata, slowly dying from it, feeling the way it caused his heart so much pain, he wished he could just close his eyes and sleep forever but that was impossible, right?

He would rather go out of this world by drowning in the ocean, that sounded much better than dying of heartbreak of an unrequited love. Ah, how twisted has his thoughts become? Water is no longer a comfort for him, he would rather drown in silence instead of confessing his feelings….

“Have I become ‘twisted’....?” Now he was scared of himself, scared that he’ll do something to harm himself. He’s had moments where he’s fallen asleep inside the fountain and bathtub but to think that he could no longer do such a thing because of his emotional state scared him. What if he fell asleep and his subconscious allowed him to slip underwater and he simply never woke up? Who would find him? How would they react?

He was scared of love, he was scared of water. But most of all, Kanata was scared of himself.


	3. Take Care of Yourself

Labored breathing and the sound of thudding footsteps sounded loud behind him, signalling that the pursuer has yet to give up and this irked him, bothered him-- he wanted nothing more than to be left alone! Why did this have to happen?! Why…. Why…. Why…. Why did this have to happen? He knew, he knew what would happen from the start but yet he hoped, wished, dearly hung onto the thin string of hope that maybe, just maybe he would return his feelings.

But no, he didn’t, he knew it would never happen, his feelings would never be reciprocated. He came to school just for this, just to confess, to get it over with and yet, it still crushed him. The truth still hurt, the reality of it still was agonizing to him. 

Kanata could barely breath, forcing himself to keep running, away from the one who was chasing him. Why did it have to be him, of all people why did it have to be him. He didn’t want to encounter his leader and fellow friend, Chiaki. The one who saw Kanata confessing to Kaoru, the one who had saw the rejection, the one who had called and texted Kanata nonstop during the two weeks Kanata didn’t come to school.

And now the one who was chasing Kanata down, yelling for him to stop, yelling for him to slow down so they could talk, so Chiaki could figure out what was happening with Kanata and why Kanata didn’t bother showing up for school. 

But Kanata didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to slow down. He just wanted to keep running, despite the burning sensation in his lungs that caused him to wheeze for air, sucking in deep breaths as he struggled to keep running, legs feeling the wear of running for so long and soon he knew he’d either have to stop or he’d collapse from the exhaustion of running so much and so far.

Go away, go away, go away, please Chiaki, leave me alone!, he screamed inside his mind, tears blurring his vision as he choked back a broken sob, the hot tears streaming down his cheeks as it left a burning, itching trail of pain and regret, reminding him just how painful love could be. Reminding him how he holed himself up for two weeks at home in agony over his love for Kaoru, knowing his feelings would never be accepted but still held onto that small breakable thread of hope that it could be returned.

Stupid, so stupid, he shouldn’t have hoped so much, building it up so high that when it was knocked down it crumbled and tumbled, weighing down on him so much that he couldn’t breath at all, that it suffocated him far worse than he could ever imagine. Felt like he was drowning, drowning in the air around him despite not being in water. Was that possible? Was it really possible to drown while not being underneath the water? 

Soon his body gave way and he stumbled, tripping over his feet and falling to the ground, pushing his hands in front of him to cushion the fall and allowing a hiss of pain to pass his between his teeth as the gravel scraped and scratched at his skin of his palm and the slight stinging of the impact that hit his knees. 

The pounding of feet behind him slowed down to a stop as well, heavy breathing was the only sound he could hear, from himself and the other boy. No words were spoken at this moment, just silence. Pure, utter silence. Usually Kanata would relish in this silence but right now, it wasn’t something he wanted to have, he wanted Chiaki to bombard him with questions, ask him why he was running, ask him why he didn’t show up for school for two weeks, ask why he was confession to Kaoru of all people. Anything, anything, he wanted Chiaki to say something! 

“Please…. Please do not stay ‘silent’ Chiaki…. I do not ‘like’ the silence right now…” Kanata managed to murmur between his labored breathing, struggling to both regain oxygen in his deprived lungs and from trying to hold back the shakiness of his voice that threatened to surface as he blinked back tears that only spilled down his already reddened cheeks. 

And on the silence wore on, dragging on while Kanata shifted himself to a sitting position, hands on his lap and gripping at the fabric of his pants, bunching it up as soft sniffles and hiccups escaped him, no longer able to hold it back any longer. The painful feeling wrenching at his heart twisting even further, knowing that his first love was washed away, thrown away, torn away from him. He’ll never be able to face Kaoru properly again after this, what could he say? What could he do? They were in the same club together! There was nothing Kanata could do except try to forget the feelings he had for the blond, but that would be hard. He fell for Kaoru hard, fell for him too much that just even the thought of the blond sent a shockwave of pain over his body, breaking him down even further.

The aqua loving boy didn’t even notice when Chiaki had knelt down beside him, placing a hand over his shoulder as an awkward attempt to comfort him. “Kanata,” Chiaki started off, slowly, softly-- ever so carefully, “you… You haven’t been at school for two weeks so I was worried--” Chiaki was cut off when his hand was slapped away and he was met with angry chartreuse colored eyes, causing the brunet to reel back in surprise. 

“What do you ‘know’?! I do not ‘want’ to be ‘bothered’!” Kanata yelled, voice hoarse, having barely used his voice in over two weeks and the constant crying had taken a toll on his voice box, his words coming out weirdly high pitched or low pitched, breaking during the middle and not sounding anything like Kanata’s usual soft and slow voice. 

“Just ‘leave’ me alone Chiaki!” 

This caused Chiaki to narrow his eyes, lips forming into a thin line before it curled down into an angry frown, eyebrows furrowing together and soon enough he lashed out to grab Kanata by the arms, pulling the other closer to him only to feel that Kanata started to struggle.

“Kanata, you are not okay and I will not leave you alone! You can’t just push me away, I’m your leader, your friend and I’m worried for you!” Chiaki didn’t even realize that he was raising his voice now, too heated up to even care at the moment. Right now, all that mattered was Kanata, the way Kanata looked so tired, so drained, skin paler than usual. The way Kanata’s eyebrows furrowed so deep, the way his lips were turned down in the biggest frown he’s ever seen. And most of all, the way Kanata’s radiance, his glow had disappeared. 

Kanata’s eyes had looked worn, around his eyes they were puffy, red, from all the crying he had done. His eyes looked nearly lost of emotion, nearly drained of color if that was possible. Kanata’s eyes that once sparkled so bright looked dull and dead and it broke Chiaki’s heart to see someone he held dear to him to look like this. 

He could feel the way Kanata pushed at his chest, failing miserably to do so, failing to put distance between the two. But he tried, tried so hard to get Chiaki away from him. He tried so hard to make Chiaki not follow him and yet, here they were. 

And yet, Chiaki still held on, his grip tightening ever so slightly around Kanata’s wrists to keep him in place, he didn’t want him to run away again, not until he knew the reason why Kanata looked like this, why Kanata was acting like this-- why Kanata looked so damaged and broken.

“Please just tell me Kanata, I want to know,” Chiaki tried again, his voice soft and low, trying to soothe the struggling boy who did nothing more than shake his head furiously, soft noises of sobbing bubbling past his lips.

“I do not want to… I do not want to…. Leave me ‘alone’, just leave me ‘alone’, please… Chiaki, you would not ‘understand’.” Kanata stopped struggling for a moment to heave in a shaky breath as a wave of fresh tears cascaded down his cheeks. The feeling was so familiar to him at this point, so familiar that he didn’t even bother wiping them away.

The only water he even felt familiar with at this point was his own tears. It still scared him knowing that he couldn’t enjoy soaking in water or the actual feeling of it around him in the past two weeks, it still scared him that one of the things he enjoyed felt so foreign to him now. Another choked sob escaped him and yet he resumed back to struggling, fingers finding anything to push Chiaki away but he knew the brunet wouldn’t let go, not when he’s caught Kanata like this, especially not when Kanata was openly crying so hard. 

“Kanata….” Chiaki’s voice was still soft, tone indicating he was immensely worried and with one hand he reached out to wipe Kanata’s tears but once again he had his hands slapped away, being met with an angry yet broken gaze.

“Go away Chiaki! I do not ‘want’ you here!” Kanata was screaming now, pushing against Chiaki’s chest now that he had a free hand, struggling to get out of the grip and away from the brunet. He wanted nothing more than to be by himself, to wallow in his pain, to drown himself in his thoughts. To go back home and just curl back into the safety of his blankets and lay there in silence, listening to the water in the fish tank in his room. That’s all he wanted to do and yet, yet Chiaki was preventing him from doing the one thing he wanted to do. He wanted to sleep and forget the painful thoughts even if it was temporary, to sleep away the pain he felt. To go into a better place that wasn’t reality. So why did Chiaki have to be the one obstacle that prevented him from doing all of this?

“Just because you say you want me gone, doesn’t mean I’m going to go away-- look at me Kanata! Stop dragging your gaze away from me, look at me. Please.” The broken tone in Chiaki’s voice surprised him enough to snap his head up to lock gazes with the brunet, the way Chiaki’s face twisted in what looked like pain and this added to the pain he was already feeling. 

No, was it pain? Was it guilt? Painful guilt? 

Just seeing Chiaki’s expression was enough to leave a sharp stabbing feeling shooting through his heart, just like the times he thought about Kaoru, like how he was painfully and harshly rejected by the blond earlier. And he could still hear the words ringing in his ears, bouncing around his head.

“I’m sorry Kanata-kun but you know I only like girls. The thought of having a guy crushing on me is gross, even if it is from you. It’s just really gross to think about it. I could never date a guy-- I could never date you.”

Remembering the words sent him into another hysteria crying fit, broken sobbing and wailing leaving him as his breathing became even more labored than it was earlier. His chest hurt, it was painful to even breath. His throat felt so sore, so raw, it hurt to swallow. His cheeks were so itchy and red from all of the tears that streaked down and stained it, eyes burning with the constant fresh tears that continued to overflow.

Kanata didn’t even hear was Chiaki was saying at this point, all he heard was the loud drumming of his heart that resounded in his ears, drowning out any other noises. He couldn’t even register the fact that the brunet had brought Kanata closer, hugging him to his chest, petting his hair, wiping away the tears on his cheeks and whispering what comforting words that came to mind.

None of this registered to Kanata, much too immersed in his own world that at some point he forgot to breath and he struggled for a moment to regain his breath, only then realizing that Chiaki was soothingly rubbing at his back and Kanata couldn’t help but let out a pained whimper, burying his face into Chiaki’s chest.

Fingers found their way to gripping onto Chiaki’s blazer, gripping onto the fabric like his entire life depended on it. And right now, that’s what it really felt. His entire world had crumbled from the rejection, his entire self was broken and worn from the thoughts that plagued him the two weeks he had not attended school. Everything, everything around him just felt so wrong and yet right here, right now, Chiaki was the only thing that felt right.

Maybe it was just the comfort of someone holding him, soothing him or maybe it was because Chiaki didn’t leave even after Kanata had yelled at him, or maybe it was just because he needed someone to simply just be there for him. Either way, for once in the past two weeks, nothing felt foreign but yet, everything still hurt. 

Perhaps in time he could forget his feelings for Kaoru, but would it really be that easy? The mere thought of it was enough to make him distressed, even more than he felt. Could things ever become normal again between Kaoru and him? He doubted it, there was no way Kaoru would want to stay friends with Kanata now, not after confessing. 

He wished he could turn back time and told his past self not to fall in love with Kaoru, to not fall in love with someone he’d never be able to hold hands with, someone he’d never be able to go on dates with, someone he’d never be able to kiss. A love that was never meant to be, a love that would never cross together. 

He was so deep and lost in his thoughts that he startled a bit when he felt a hand cupping at his cheeks, looking up to meet gazes with Chiaki who looked down at him so worried, so concerned and at this moment, Kanata felt his heart swell with something other than pain. Something happier that lifted a bit of the grief he was feeling, just enough that his mind wasn’t as clouded anymore. 

Chiaki’s lips were moving and yet he couldn’t hear what he was saying, much too focused on the warmth that emitted from Chiaki’s hand, the one cupping his cheek. He leaned into it ever so slightly, comforted by the contact, comforted by the warmth. It felt so nice to have someone holding him like this, to be comforted so warmly like this.

And he felt a wave of fatigue and exhaustion wash over him, reminding him of the little sleep he had gotten over the past two weeks, the amount of food he had eaten as well was very little and he realized just how hungry he was too. Everything about his body felt so sore, so tired. So weak. Much too weak. The thought of even standing up sounded unpleasant to him, having no strength much less any energy to even attempt the action.

Chiaki’s words were like white noise in his ears, not finding the energy to even pay attention to what the brunet was saying, just focusing on the way Chiaki’s hands continued to rub soothing circles along his back, he weight of Chiaki’s chin resting atop his head was also reassuring to the point he leaned his ear against the other boy’s chest, listening to the steady rhythm of the heart beat. 

Thump. Thump. Thump. 

A steady, soothing beat and he was faintly aware of how his own heartbeat was going into the same rhythm, unlike its erratic rhythm earlier. The pain was still there, it still lingered like a storm cloud hanging over his head and following him everywhere, a constant reminder that he’ll have to deal with until he’s able to get over Kaoru, until he’s able to stop loving Kaoru so much. Maybe, just maybe, if he took the time to go back to how things were, would he be able to forget his first love? Long enough to fall in love with someone else? Someone who would reciprocate his feelings?

“Kanata, please take care of yourself…. To see you like this breaks my heart…” And finally Kanata realizes what Chiaki’s been saying over and over again, repeating as if it was a mantra. Murmuring it ever so softly into Kanata’s hair that if he didn’t strain to hear it, he wouldn’t have heard it at all.

Had he really worried Chiaki this much? Just who else did he worry? Souma? Shinobu? Tetora? Midori? 

He had been so absorbed in his pain that he forgot to properly take care of himself, to properly keep in contact with everyone to tell them that he was okay when he really wasn’t, to let everyone know he just needed time off school but no, he had cut off all contact with everyone when he had let his phone die. 

Take better care of myself, huh…. I wonder if I’ll be able to do that again, the bitter thought invaded his mind and he was so amused with it he nearly let out an equally bitter laugh. Perhaps time was all he needed, time, the comfort of friends and maybe someone to help him along the way. What kind of Ryusei hero would he be if he didn’t pick himself back up after having fallen into a rut?

And just maybe along the way he could fall in love again, fall in love with someone who cared for him and worried over him, even if it meant that person chased him down. 

Maybe he could find it in himself to fall in love with Chiaki.


End file.
